Category Archives: Rants

swine flu: fear the government not the pigs

Oh wait. They’re the same thing.

Today I stumbled upon something shocking and eerily familiar. Please, take a look. I think you’ll find yourself having deja vous as well.

Now, I have thought from the beginning that this whole Swine Flu “pandemic” was a big load of horse shit. I lived in Honduras for nearly 5 weeks this spring, right when the scare was at its height. Fortunately, I was staying with one of the smartest people I know, who is also one of the lead epidemiologists in that country. Right from the beginning, she said that the whole thing was a bunch of bull and everyone was overreacting. Well, she didn’t say it in exactly those words…they were in Spanish. But really, jokes aside, she said that the “Swine Flu” was just another, perhaps slightly stronger, strain of the regular flu. Indeed, the frightful pandemic never came like it was supposed to. The terrifying Swine Flu just continued acting like the strain of normal flu that it is; but that apparently wasn’t good enough for the government. And so they turned their sights to the fall.

Government Official #1: “Damnit! Not enough people are dying for even the most moronic people to believe that this is a pandemic!”

Government Official #2: “No kidding. How am I supposed to get millions of people to take a new vaccine so the pharmaceutical lobbyists will pay for my new beach house in Fiji?

Government Official #1: “Valid point. Hmm…well, the actual flu season is coming up…what if we scared the hell out of the entire country and just told them they were all going to die. I mean, it wouldn’t really be a lie…they are all going to die eventually. Remember 1976? It worked out pretty well then.”

Government Official #2: “Yeah, fantastic idea! The pharmaceutical companies will really worship me then! I’ll bet I can get the beach house and a new jet. We’ll just have to make sure that they don’t figure out that we’re full of shit and insure that they can’t hold us liable when…if…they experience any…side-effects…”

Government Official #1: “Shouldn’t be too hard. Just have them sign their lives away…er…no pun intended…before they take it (high five for small print!). Oh, and of course we’ll need to buy off the media and con a celebrity or two into selling the idea. You know how they follow the stars like sheep.”

Government Official #2: “Wonderful! Nothing we haven’t done already. Whew! It’s been a hard day’s work. Champagne, good sir? Shall we toast to our impending success in duping millions while making millions?”

Government Official #1: “Cheers!”

But you know…maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s the other way around and it’s the government that wants to spread fear over the horrible Swine Flu. After all, what better way to distract an entire population from your own corruption and lies than by scaring the bejeezus out all of them with something they can’t see or control and could swoop down and massacre thousands of them at any moment: a pandemic. Keep them on their toes, but looking in the wrong direction. And hey, regardless of whether it is the vaccine working or the flu was just never actually that bad, if they don’t all die after being terrified that they would, they all might just thank you and forget how you’ve failed them over and over and over. Now, I promise, I’m not generally one for conspiracy theories and all that, but this just reeks of sketchiness, and it’s really starting to make my blood boil. So, I don’t know about you, but I will not be getting anywhere near to any Swine Flu vaccines the government pushes for this fall. As far as I’m concerned, they can take their big, shiny needles and shove it.

EDIT: The government has learned from past mistakes. This time around they will make sure they can’t be held liable for any damages sustained due to the vaccinations. Click here to learn more.



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politics can even taint beer!


About two minutes ago, as I was wondering what I could possibly come up with to blog about today, I ran across a nice little article entitled “Beer choice at Obama meeting touches off new debate.” Apparently, according to a nosy Massachussets senator with nothing better to do — regardless of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the crappy economy (with a national unemployment rate of’s something like 14% where I live), and an energy crisis — the three men involved in the Obama-Gates-Crowley meeting should not be able to drink their favorite beer as originally planned. Oh, no. That would be too simple. No, Rep. Richard Neal thinks these men should all be forced to drink Sam Adams because it is brewed in Boston and not outside of the US. Forget your Bud Light, Obama (even though it’s the most popular beer in America). You can throw out the Red Stripe, Mr. Crowley. And Professor Gates, can your Beck’s. Should we let people choose which beer to drink based solely on taste? Of course not! We wouldn’t want foreigners to get all that free publicity now would we? Damn you Belgium for brewing Bud Light!

Not only was this such a stupid story that CNN should never have bothered to publish it in the first place, but the fact that a senator is spending his time working in the advertising department of a beer company tells us that either we aren’t paying our representatives enough or that he’s a pathetic pawn to corporate lobbyists in his state…hmm. Now which of these sounds more probable? Well, at least he’s not f***ing some chick from Buenos Aires.

So, cheers, Mr. President! I hope your meeting solves all the racial tensions in our nation… But only if you’re drinking Sam Adams.


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i hate twilight

My mother always taught me not to use the word “hate.” Hate is Satan’s emotion or something like that. Well, sorry mom. I hate a lot of things these days, but few get me quite as worked up as… *dun dun dun* Twilight! I remember last summer when every single girl that I worked with was in complete hysterics over Stephenie Meyer’s vampiric novels. “RA!” they would exclaim, “you have to read these books! They’re SO amazing! They’re the best books I’ve ever read in my ENTIRE life!” And so on. Wow, thought I, they must really be good. Even my best friend, whose literary tastes I generally trust, recommended them to me fervently. Okay. So, over my last Christmas break, I read Twilight.

3 pages in: Is she really going to write like this the whole time? Maybe she just needs to get into her groove…

10 pages in: No, I actually think this is how it’s all written. Well, I never expected Dickens. Maybe it will have a great plot.

A few chapters in: Ummm, how old is Stephanie Meyer? 13, right? I guess it’s all right for a 13-year-old…

1/4 of the way through: Seriously!?!

1/2 way through: God have mercy!

3/4 of the way through: Did it just get worse?

End: Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate.

Yes, turns out that book that all of my friends had been raving about was a revoltingly-written, awkward, cheesy, sexist, Mormonized version of a trashy romance novel. Wait…did I type “novel?” Sorry, my mistake. I meant to say “an abomination to all mankind.” Now, I’ve been known to watch an occasional cheesy romantic comedy or One Life to Live (when I stay home sick from classes), but this book really takes the cake. Then poops on it and throws it out of a 25-story building. There is no way, ever, in a million years that this atrocity should have gotten past any publisher. Shame on you whoever you were!

The writing is substandard, to say the least. Adjectives, Steph, learn how to use them properly! There is literally no character development. Bella has no personality. Edward has some sort of mental disorder characterized by wild mood swings, stalking, and intense need for control (maybe it’s a side-effect from all that mountain lion blood he’s been sucking? That stuff”s probably full of rabies!). Their “love” is SO exaggerated, it just gets down on its knees and begs to be ridiculed. There are so many awkward romance scenes, but the movie makes them absolutely unbearable, so I’ll let the book slide on that one…

And I’m admittedly not up-to-date on all of the latest trends, but is sexism one of them? Because there was not a single strong, intelligent, independent female character in the whole book, and I can’t figure out for the life of me why a woman would write something like this and why it would get so popular. The high school girls are all dumb, childish, and stereotypical drones. “OMG dress shopping!” Rosalie is a vain, self-centered b****. And Bella. Bella is absolutely PATHETIC. I swear 40% of the book was just her fainting, tripping, slipping, falling, and generally existing in a perpetual state of dying. If only stupid Edward hadn’t kept saving her every 5 minutes, I would have been out of my agony much sooner. I did find it amusing that it seemed like good ol’ Ed finally got sick of helping her stand on her own two feet about half-way through and just resorted to carrying her around like a sack for the rest of the novel. That was a nice change. Bella never does anything for herself or takes command of a situation after she falls in love with Mr. Sexy Blood-Sucker. Oh, except when she acts like a moron and runs into a death trap instead of staying with the gang of immortal superheroes who is trying to help her.

Did I mention I actually physically gagged at some of the descriptions of Edward? Just wanted to throw that in there. Shoot me in the face.

Conclusion? Twilight is a massive affront to intelligence, women’s equality, art, and taste, and it is a spectacular waste of natural resources. Think of all the trees that have been chopped down so that we could all be lucky enough to read stuff like this:

– About three things I was absolutely positive: First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him — and I didn’t know how dominant that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

– He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare.

Want more? In case you really wanted to get your fill you can look up any quote in the series. Organized by book or by character:

Twilight Quotes — WARNING: May be hazardous to your health. Side effects include uncontrollable gagging, nausea, fits of rage, and suicidal thoughts. But if you’re strong, you can get out a good laugh too. =)

Oh! And P.S. if you’re really looking to have a ball, check out this blog. It is absolutely hilarious! You have to read the Twilight parody and…everything else.


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