My mother always taught me not to use the word “hate.” Hate is Satan’s emotion or something like that. Well, sorry mom. I hate a lot of things these days, but few get me quite as worked up as… *dun dun dun* Twilight! I remember last summer when every single girl that I worked with was in complete hysterics over Stephenie Meyer’s vampiric novels. “RA!” they would exclaim, “you have to read these books! They’re SO amazing! They’re the best books I’ve ever read in my ENTIRE life!” And so on. Wow, thought I, they must really be good. Even my best friend, whose literary tastes I generally trust, recommended them to me fervently. Okay. So, over my last Christmas break, I read Twilight.
3 pages in: Is she really going to write like this the whole time? Maybe she just needs to get into her groove…
10 pages in: No, I actually think this is how it’s all written. Well, I never expected Dickens. Maybe it will have a great plot.
A few chapters in: Ummm, how old is Stephanie Meyer? 13, right? I guess it’s all right for a 13-year-old…
1/4 of the way through: Seriously!?!
1/2 way through: God have mercy!
3/4 of the way through: Did it just get worse?
End: Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate.
Yes, turns out that book that all of my friends had been raving about was a revoltingly-written, awkward, cheesy, sexist, Mormonized version of a trashy romance novel. Wait…did I type “novel?” Sorry, my mistake. I meant to say “an abomination to all mankind.” Now, I’ve been known to watch an occasional cheesy romantic comedy or One Life to Live (when I stay home sick from classes), but this book really takes the cake. Then poops on it and throws it out of a 25-story building. There is no way, ever, in a million years that this atrocity should have gotten past any publisher. Shame on you whoever you were!
The writing is substandard, to say the least. Adjectives, Steph, learn how to use them properly! There is literally no character development. Bella has no personality. Edward has some sort of mental disorder characterized by wild mood swings, stalking, and intense need for control (maybe it’s a side-effect from all that mountain lion blood he’s been sucking? That stuff”s probably full of rabies!). Their “love” is SO exaggerated, it just gets down on its knees and begs to be ridiculed. There are so many awkward romance scenes, but the movie makes them absolutely unbearable, so I’ll let the book slide on that one…
And I’m admittedly not up-to-date on all of the latest trends, but is sexism one of them? Because there was not a single strong, intelligent, independent female character in the whole book, and I can’t figure out for the life of me why a woman would write something like this and why it would get so popular. The high school girls are all dumb, childish, and stereotypical drones. “OMG dress shopping!” Rosalie is a vain, self-centered b****. And Bella. Bella is absolutely PATHETIC. I swear 40% of the book was just her fainting, tripping, slipping, falling, and generally existing in a perpetual state of dying. If only stupid Edward hadn’t kept saving her every 5 minutes, I would have been out of my agony much sooner. I did find it amusing that it seemed like good ol’ Ed finally got sick of helping her stand on her own two feet about half-way through and just resorted to carrying her around like a sack for the rest of the novel. That was a nice change. Bella never does anything for herself or takes command of a situation after she falls in love with Mr. Sexy Blood-Sucker. Oh, except when she acts like a moron and runs into a death trap instead of staying with the gang of immortal superheroes who is trying to help her.
Did I mention I actually physically gagged at some of the descriptions of Edward? Just wanted to throw that in there. Shoot me in the face.
Conclusion? Twilight is a massive affront to intelligence, women’s equality, art, and taste, and it is a spectacular waste of natural resources. Think of all the trees that have been chopped down so that we could all be lucky enough to read stuff like this:
- About three things I was absolutely positive: First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him — and I didn’t know how dominant that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.
- He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare.
Want more? In case you really wanted to get your fill you can look up any quote in the series. Organized by book or by character:
Twilight Quotes — WARNING: May be hazardous to your health. Side effects include uncontrollable gagging, nausea, fits of rage, and suicidal thoughts. But if you’re strong, you can get out a good laugh too. =)
Oh! And P.S. if you’re really looking to have a ball, check out this blog. It is absolutely hilarious! You have to read the Twilight parody and…everything else.